1. You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.
2. To you, I’m an atheist. To God, I’m the loyal opposition.
3. I think any relationship is not based on either compromise or maturity or perfection or any of that. It’s really based on LUCK. People don’t like to acknowledge that because it means a loss of control. But you really have to be lucky.
4. I took one course in existential philosophy at, uh, at New York University, and on, uh, on the final... they gave me ten questions, and, uh, I couldn't answer a single one of 'em. You know? I left 'em all blank... I got a hundred.
5. I don't know much about classic music. For years I thought the Goldberg Variations were something Mr. and Mrs. Goldberg tried on their wedding night.
6. Fan #1: What do you think the Rolls Royce represented?
Fan #2: I think that represented his car.
7. Question Askers-Screening: Some people have claimed that your films are narcissistic.
Sandy Bates: Yes, many people have said that about me over the years, but I don't think it's true. If I were to say which Greek God I take after, I would definitely not say Narcissus.
Question Askers-Screening: Who would you say?
Sandy Bates: Zeus.
8. Sandy Bates: But shouldn't I stop making movies and do something that counts, like-like helping blind people or becoming a missionary or something?
Voice of Martian: Let me tell you, you're not the missionary type. You'd never last. And-and incidentally, you're also not Superman; you're a comedian. You want to do mankind a real service? Tell funnier jokes. ［啊哈哈哈我居然聽懂了這段真是⋯⋯］
9. Sam: I had two heart attacks before I got the bicycle.
Sandy Bates: And since then?
Sam: I also had two.
10. UFO Follower: What have you got against intellectuals?
Sandy Bates: Intellectuals? Nothing, why?
UFO Follower: Mr. Bates, I've seen all your films. You really feel threatened by them.
Sandy Bates: Threatened? You're kidding me. I've always said they're like the mafia. They only kill their own.
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