骨瘦如柴

在我看来所有的精神疾病，除了纯神经性引发的以外，都具有相同的本质，只是表现出来的形式不一：There’s an invisible line in front of you but you just can’t get to across it。节食确实是一种现代社会文化，但与其讨论这种现代社会文化是怎么产生的或者如何消解它对于尤其是女性的不良影响，我更想讨论情绪处理和认知障碍。我的心理学入门课导师说，所有的心理问题本质都是认知问题。当你的认知“偏差”到那些无法表达也无法处理的情绪把你吹成一个再呼吸一口就会爆炸的气球时，必定会有一个出口，抑郁也好躁郁也好焦虑也好厌食也好暴食也好自残也好，可笑的是，是这些东西让无法消化的情绪冒了个头出来，它们甚至在最初是病人活下去的法门。此后幸存者持续与自我搏斗，找寻下一条能够继续存活的道路。Eli最后吞下了第一块小小的煤炭，从荒山上醒来，没死，决定活下去。我对这一段的理解是这样的，就像我在开头说精神疾病的本质是an invisiable line that you don’t get to across一样，Eli给自己又画了一道线，交给命运吧，如果还活着，就鼓足勇气一点一点活下去。

片中Anne Sexton的诗我很喜欢，最精妙的语言都在诗里，理解有限，随手翻译了一下贴在这里：

Courage 勇气

It is in the small things we see it.

我们是在一点一滴中看见它的

The child's first step,

as awesome as an earthquake.

幼童迈出的第一步等同于大地震颤

The first time you rode a bike,

wallowing up the sidewalk.

你第一次骑单车沿侧道蜿蜒上行

The first spanking when your heart

went on a journey all alone.

出生时的第一次拍击，让一颗心脏走上一段孤独的旅程

When they called you crybaby

or poor or fatty or crazy

and made you into an alien,

you drank their acid

and concealed it.

他们喊你爱哭鬼、可怜虫、胖墩、疯子，视你为异类

你吞下所有苦难，将痛隐藏起来

Later,

if you faced the death of bombs and bullets

you did not do it with a banner,

you did it with only a hat to

cover your heart.

之后

面对枪与炮的死亡威胁

你手中没有旗帜，你只有一顶帽子用来遮住心脏

You did not fondle the weakness inside you

though it was there.

Your courage was a small coal

that you kept swallowing.

你无意照料你的软弱，尽管它一直在那里

你的勇气是你不断吞下的小小煤炭

If your buddy saved you

and died himself in so doing,

then his courage was not courage,

it was love; love as simple as shaving soap.

如果你的伙伴为了拯救你而死

那么他的勇气不是勇气

是爱，是如剃须皂一般简明的爱

Later,

if you have endured a great despair,

then you did it alone,

getting a transfusion from the fire,

picking the scabs off your heart,

then wringing it out like a sock.

之后

你独自忍耐过盛大的绝望

于火中新生，扯下心脏上的痂。将绝望拧出来，像拧一只袜子

Next, my kinsman, you powdered your sorrow,

you gave it a back rub

and then you covered it with a blanket

and after it had slept a while

it woke to the wings of the roses

and was transformed.

之后，我的族人，你击碎你的悲伤

你揉一揉它的背

你给它裹上毯子，让它睡那么一会儿

等待它从玫瑰的羽翼上醒来

进化

Later,

when you face old age and its natural conclusion

your courage will still be shown in the little ways,

each spring will be a sword you'll sharpen,

those you love will live in a fever of love,

and you'll bargain with the calendar

and at the last moment

when death opens the back door

you'll put on your carpet slippers

and stride out.

最后

当你面对年老和盖棺定论，你的勇气依然不减

你磨亮每一个春天就像磨亮你的佩剑

你给予你爱的人浓烈的爱

你甚至还与时间讨价还价

在生命的最后一刻，当死亡敞开它的后门

你会穿上你舒适的拖鞋

大步走出去